Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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