im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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