I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
