i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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