Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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