member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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