how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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