you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
