He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
