I feel like I'm in dance class right now
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
