the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
why do cheetos always look like penises
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
