Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
