I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
