You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize