Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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