Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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