someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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