Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
