This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
