why didn't you poke me back
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
