my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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