She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
