but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
