We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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