just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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