The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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