Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
