he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
