I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
