Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
