I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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