Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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