you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
