Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
