I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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