I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
