Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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