i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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