Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
