He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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