Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
