Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
