matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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