You just made me feel so damn special
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
