I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
