Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My ATM looks so different sober.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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