He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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