How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
