i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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