here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
