Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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