The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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