Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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