I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
