this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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