4 words: hood of his car
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
