I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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