the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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