"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
